I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
