You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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