I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
