When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
