1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
