that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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