and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
