I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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