can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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