I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
