i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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