never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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