If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
