In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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