I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
