guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
