I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
