I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
