Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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