Your face is a jimmy john
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
