i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
