When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
