a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
