So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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