think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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