You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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