What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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