Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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