Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
