drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
