Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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