Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
