We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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