he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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