Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
