Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
