can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
