Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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