Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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