is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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