I think I died a long time ago.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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