Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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