we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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