Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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