I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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