I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
