She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
