I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
