from now on my penis is your penis
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
