nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
