my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
